It Must Be January
If the crowd at the gym, in the waiting room of the therapist’s office, or a quick glance at my own appointment calendar are any indication, it must be January in a new year. After all, I’ve certainly jumped on board with a twelve week continuing education course in “Trauma and Belonging”. There is a collective energy to return to the practice of self care, the pseudo-mystical art of self improvement, and the infinite longing for self-perfection.
Loving ourselves might be one of the most talked about, and yet least practiced components of our spiritual lives, insofar as that love looks anything like the agape or divine love without condition that is at the heart of all meaningful transformation. Often I sit with folks who are trying their utmost to find and make peace with their better or even best selves, and yet, the vision of the best self looks more like the twisting of a temptation story. “If you’re really a good person then…”, “You would be truly loved if only…”, “One more practice, once you master them all you’ll be free…”
A vision of you that provokes anxiety, fear, grief, sadness, and lament might be an accurate assessment of the trouble you’re in, but it hardly seems worthy of calling the illusory mirror image of your current struggles “my best self”.
For this very reason, I’ve begun to introduce the concept of “my favorite self” to the people I care for. Hopefully, there is a version or a part of each of us that has agency, authenticity. and genuine attachment to one who cares for us, even if it’s a little hard to spot them at this very moment. It’s the version of myself that I would find compelling, real, and worthy of pursuing for further connection if we met out in the wild. It’s me both aware of my capacity and also in loving acceptance of my limitations.
Our favorite selves are a glimpse of the way we are held in love and esteem by the Divine, even when we struggle to experience it first hand. It is a dimension of who we are that is worth discovering, and not just in a heady rush of self improvement because the calendar has turned over.
It could very well be that our favorite self is urging us to be both kind and active in the stewardship of our mind, our body, our emotional well-being, and our spiritual life. Even so, these aren’t accomplishments to check off or virtues to signal for all of our followers just how seriously we take self-care. Authentic care-giving, including for ourselves grows out of an abundance of love and desire to promote thriving.
Exercise:
Whether you’re already growing weary of the pile of expectations you placed on yourself, or you’re busy beating yourself up for not being able to chase the better, best, bestest version of you, I have an invitation for you. Let’s pause. Breathe. One long slow inhale, 4, 3, 2, 1. Now hold 4, 3, 2, 1. Now exhale 4, 3, 2, 1. Now hold 4, 3, 2, 1. Repeat as needed. You’ve just pumped the brakes on the part of your nervous system that controls heartbeat and respiration. You can keep at this practice until you feel settled.
Here’s a lovely set of questions you can add to a daily examination of consciousness:
Self Care Examen:
What is one concrete thing I did today that helped me care for my body, mind, soul? (Self-discipline)
What is one way I attuned to and then attended to my needs when they arose, instead of putting it off? (Self-nurture)
What’s one story I told myself about myself today? Was it loving and merciful? If not, is there a kind story I can tell me about me now? (Self-compassion)
Be gentle with yourself, you are worth it.
Peace and Everything Good,
The Rev. JM Longworth, OEF Spiritual Direction and Trauma Care
https://www.sdicompanions.org/sdi-profile/GreenMtFriarOEF/ To book an appointment: https://calendly.com/greenmtfriaroef